Loneliness...
Do you have those days when you have so much things to do, many ppl around you, meetings here and there and yet you feel alone? I am having one of those days... :( or at least one of those evenings....
It all began when we were suppose to have a getogether with my colleagues for a fellow colleague's birthday... as usual it is a clubbing session which was decided to begin at 2200 hrs... On a norm there will be a few colleagues who will just hang around then have dinner today then go directly but today everyone wanted to go home.. So I was alone... I stay so far away at the end of the world... (hey next to Putrajaya does feel that far okay...) If I were to go home, I would not bother to come out again just to attend a birthday celebration all the way at The Curve... I would be insane... So I just started asking around whether anybody would not go home and just go straight..we could have dinner first or something.. everyone with one reason or another all said they still wanted to go home.. So I was really left alone...
I seriously considered going home... but to a certain extent, I suppose I felt that I should 'give face' and go for the celebration...
Anyway... all this just made me think.. how many frens do I have? I mean really true frens... and how many of those that I personally considered a fren also sees me as a fren... Why am I suddenly thinking of this? Well, it's just that if I had a fren in my situation, I would accompany her... even if my earlier plans was to go home.. I would not desert a fren just like that.. I am not saying that all my colleagues/frens are heartless but it is just how I would treat a fren... but then again.. it comes back to the question on whether you consider colleagues frens or not? In my books, they are also my frens... some closer than others but all my frens... With that said however, I also know of certain ppl who draw a very clear line between colleagues and frens.. albeit they still go out and mixed around with their colleagues but they will only ever be considered colleagues and nothing more...
Another fren of mine told me to just go jalan-jalan the shopping mall myself or watch a movie myself... Jalan-jalan myself I have done but also with purpose.. I dont go walking around a shopping mall alone without a purpose.. it is always that I want to buy something or rather.... but watching a movie I have not... Dont know why but I just cant bring myself to doing it.. it just seems like a very lonely thing to do.. watch a movie by myself, laugh by myself, cry by myself... the thought of it makes me sad... There is 1 main thing that I try to avoid doing myself...
Eating... if I had to eat alone, I rather take it to go and either eat it in the car or go home and eat or something... I just dun like the feeling of sitting at a table all by myself in a public area and having my meal... I feel self concious... :( I suppose watching movie is a bit like that.. might as well go home and watch tv by myself...
As I dwell into this loneliness even more... I realized there are just days where it hits me that I am lonely... with so many frens around me, I am still lonely to a certain extent... I am very much a people person.. I like having company... I like ppl around me... I just dont do well all by myself.. I will start thinking of nonsense which is a bad habit... but then I also realized that though I try to surround myself with people I dont have many that I can truly count on... maybe a handful at most... or maybe 2 handfuls if you wanna push it... Hmm... I am sounding pathetic huh? How sad but true... But then again i should look at things half cup full... I am grateful to have those couple of handfuls of frens which I can truly depend on... :) Unfortunately they are all far and wide at this moment... not all but most... So once again, it is back to being alone... Now how did i manage to get myself into such a sad state... only God knows... My gosh!! this posting is getting a bit too personal... good thing not many ppl read it and those who do mostly are those handful of frens... :) It is nice to know I have you guys...
It's just not a nice feeling that I am having now... I am just down... the only saving grace about me is that I cheer up quite quickly too... plus I have one fren who is on msn with me now... though he isnt around to cheer me up but he is still nice enough to keep me company while I wait... Thank you... :) hehe!! so nice of you though it should be time for bed soon for you right?
Of course not forgetting that I did finally find a colleague who is staying back as well... Wait...!! This posting was not all a piece of crap... this colleague is a new girl who just so happen to feel that if she went home she wont come back out as well... I hardly know her yet so at this point I dont see her as the fren in need kinda thingy... but it is still nice to have someone...
Okay... I am wrapping up this posting... better not pour anymore of my feelings into it... I am really beginning to sound like a real sad case...
Trust me, most of the time i am quite cheery.... :D
